Beginning somewhere around the mid-stage of dementia your loved one will think they're living in an earlier stage of their lives. Sometimes as much as 50 years earlier. The most common examples:
- Their parents are still alive.
- They still live in a home from 20-50 years earlier
- Their spouse is still alive.
One of the most common questions is some variation of “where’s mother” or I need to talk to mother. Sometimes this will be about a spouse but in any case, when your loved one is reaching out for someone who was very important to them who has passed away, you have a decision to make.
Is Honesty the Best Policy?
Is Honesty the best policy in this case? You might want to answer these questions truthfully even though they’re tough. After all, growing up we were always taught that honesty is the best policy, weren’t we? But the answers are painful and confusing for them. “No dad, your mother isn’t alive anymore.”
You can tell the truth but I think a good approach is do some therapeutic fibbing and prioritize your loved one’s emotional well-being rather than their understanding of the current facts. It’s a personal choice every caregiver has to make and there’s no right or wrong answer.
If it were a matter of delivering some bad news which they could understand and remember that would be one thing. But during mid-stage dementia for example, these questions, often the same question, will come up over and over. Is it really a good idea for me to have my loved one re-live the moment when they hear that their parent has passed away, over and over? Or that the place that they currently identify as ‘home’ is gone?
Focus on the Feeling
So, how do you handle this situation? Focus on the feelings, rather than the facts and engage your loved one and their feeling.
For example:
Loved One: “I need to go home tonight because mom is worried about me.”
Me: [My loved one is feeling anxious and maybe a little lonely and wants to reconnect with her mom like she has done hundreds of times during her life.]
“You’re so responsible and thoughtful.”
“And your mom is lucky that you always look out for her.“
“I saw a great picture of her yesterday. Can I show it to you?”
Although we can’t get our loved one together with her mother, we can sit and talk about her and connect her more directly to the memories about her mother and connect the two of us together, me loving her and her loving her mom.
When my mom was taking care of my dad, there was an evening when she couldn’t get him off the idea that he needed/wanted to go see his mom. Finally, desperate for something constructive to say or do, she said “Ok, I’ll take you.” They got in the car, and drove off. It was dark out and after driving 10 minutes or so, mom asked, “Shall we go back to the house?” And he said “yes”. She wasn’t sure exactly what had happened. He might have started to feel, ‘wow, it’s dark out here and these roads look unfamiliar. This is not the feeling I wanted to have. I wish I were at home in my bed.’
I’m not necessarily recommending that approach but it’s an interesting example of how an impossible request is not always as clear cut as it sounds.
