If you're caring for someone with dementia, you probably know guilt intimately. It shows up uninvited, sits heavy in your chest, and whispers “you're not doing enough”.
But not all guilt is created equal. The research generally distinguishes between two categories.
Constructive guilt is specific, temporary, and action-oriented:
- "I snapped at Mom when she asked the same question for the tenth time. Tomorrow, I'll step away and take a breath before responding."
- "I promised to visit Dad this week but didn't make it. I'll put it on my calendar now."
- "I rushed through dinner instead of sitting with him. Next time, I'll slow down.”
This kind of guilt motivates us to repair and do better. It's focused on behavior, not identity.
Chronic guilt is different—it's excessive, persistent, and often disconnected from anything you actually did wrong:
- "I should have noticed the symptoms earlier."
- "If I were a better daughter, I'd never feel frustrated."
- "I'm failing him every single day."
- "I should be able to handle this without help.”
Research shows that chronic guilt correlates strongly with depression and caregiver burnout. It's also often inappropriate—meaning you're taking responsibility for things outside your control.
This is the kind of thing caregivers often need space to process—one reason I built TalkToLisa.com.
How to work through chronic guilt:
- Name it for what it is. When guilt surfaces, ask: "Is this about something specific I can change, or is this the chronic kind?" Just labeling it creates distance.
- Challenge the "shoulds." "I should never feel frustrated" isn't realistic—it's a setup for failure. Reframe: "Frustration is normal. What matters is how I handle it."
- Separate behavior from identity. Having a hard day doesn't make you a bad caregiver. One impatient moment doesn't erase years of love.
- Talk to other caregivers. Guilt thrives in isolation. Hearing "I feel that way too" is surprisingly powerful.
- Consider what you'd tell a friend. If another caregiver described your exact situation, would you condemn them? Probably not.
The goal isn't to eliminate guilt entirely—some guilt serves us. The goal is to stop letting guilt that serves no purpose steal your peace.
TalkToLisa can help.
Guilt often hits hardest at 2am, or in the car after a difficult visit, or in moments when you can't call a friend. TalkToLisa is an support tool trained in dementia care who's available 24/7 to help you process these feelings without judgment.
You can say "I feel so guilty about putting Mom in memory care" and ‘Lisa’ will give you space to explore what's underneath that feeling—without platitudes, without rushing you toward a resolution.
